小学英语-英语笑话幽默

[hide]
[align=center][b][size=3][color=#33cc33]笑话幽默[/color][/size][/b][/align][align=left][b][size=2]1.[url=http://www.jl2sy.cn/xssq/yyzx/yyym.htm#Fine for Parking][color=#800080]Fine for Parking[/color][/url] 2.[url=http://www.jl2sy.cn/xssq/yyzx/yyym.htm#Self-help][color=#800080]Self-help[/color][/url] 3.[url=http://www.jl2sy.cn/xssq/yyzx/yyym.htm#I Drop my Weight From Skipping][color=#800080]I couldn't eat that many apples[/color][/url][/size][/b][/align][align=left][size=2][b]4.[font=Times New Roman][url=http://www.jl2sy.cn/xssq/yyzx/yyym.htm#Is This a Question][color=#800080]Is This a Question[/color][/url] 5. [size=10][url=http://www.jl2sy.cn/xssq/yyzx/yyym.htm#A Dollar Per Point][color=#800080]A Dollar Per Point[/color][/url] 6. [/size][url=http://www.jl2sy.cn/xssq/yyzx/yyym.htm#My Father][color=#800080]My Father's Ashes [/color][/url][/font][/b][/size][/align][align=left][size=2][b][font=Times New Roman]7. [url=http://www.jl2sy.cn/xssq/yyzx/yyym.htm#I Drop my Weight From Skipping][color=#800080]I Drop my Weight From Skipping[/color][/url] 8. [url=http://www.jl2sy.cn/xssq/yyzx/yyym.htm#Now We Run][color=#800080]Now We Run[/color][/url] 9. [/font][/b][/size][font=Times New Roman][size=2][b][url=http://www.jl2sy.cn/xssq/yyzx/yyym.htm#Pig or Witch][color=#800080]Pig or Witch[/color][/url] [/b][/size][/font][/align][align=left][font=Times New Roman][size=2][b]10. [url=http://www.jl2sy.cn/xssq/yyzx/yyym.htm#Man and Woman][color=#800080]Man and Woman[/color][/url] 11. [url=http://www.jl2sy.cn/xssq/yyzx/yyym.htm#You and Your Boss][color=#800080]You and Your Boss[/color][/url] 12. [url=http://www.jl2sy.cn/xssq/yyzx/yyym.htm#Love, Lust and Marriage][color=#800080]Love, Lust and Marriage[/color][/url][/b][/size][/font][/align][align=left][font=Times New Roman][size=2][b]13.[url=http://www.jl2sy.cn/xssq/yyzx/yyym.htm#Before and After You fall in love][color=#800080] Before and After You fall in love[/color][/url] 14.[/b][/size][/font][size=2][color=#800080][b][url=http://www.jl2sy.cn/xssq/yyzx/yyym.htm#You and Your Computer]You and Your Computer[/url][/b][/color][/size][/align][align=left][size=2][color=#800080][b][url=http://www.jl2sy.cn/xssq/yyzx/yyym.htm#15.New Explanation of Some Computer Terms(对电脑术语的新解释)]15.New Explanation of Some Computer Terms[/url][/b][/color][/size][/align][align=left]　[size=2][size=10][font=Times New Roman][b]1. [/b][size=10][b][color=#6666ff]Fine for Parking[/color][/b][/size][/font][/size][/size][/align][size=2][b][size=10][font=Times New Roman] Tell me again," asked the judge, "why you parked there?"[/font] [font=Times New Roman]The driver rose and answered respectfully([/font]尊敬地[font=Times New Roman]), [size=10] [/size]"Because, Your Honor, it said 'Fine for Parking'" (note: "fine" has two meanings 1) good 2) pay some money for doing something wrong.[/font][/size][/b][/size]
[align=left][font=Times New Roman][size=2][b]2. [color=#6666ff] [/color][color=#6666ff]Self-help[/color][/b][/size][/font][/align][align=left][font=Times New Roman][size=2][b][size=10]I[/size] went into a bookstore the other day and asked the woman behind the counter where the [b]self-help[/b] section was. She said, "If I told you, that would defeat the whole purpose." (note: "self-help" has two meanings 1) you take without paying 2) you can choose as you like)[/b][/size][/font][/align][align=left][font=Times New Roman][size=2][b]3. [color=#6666ff]I Couldn't Digest So Many Apples[/color][/b][/size][/font][/align][align=left][b][font=Times New Roman][size=2]Doctor gravely([/size][/font][size=2]严肃地[/size][font=Times New Roman][size=2]): "If you want to enjoy a long life, each time you feel like a drink. Eat an apple instead." Patient: "Sorry, I couldn't digest so many apples."[/size][/font][/b][/align][align=left][size=2][b][font=Times New Roman]4. [color=#6666ff]Is This a Question[/color][/font][/b][/size][/align][align=left][size=2][b][font=Times New Roman]A college student[/font] [font=Times New Roman]in a philosophy class was taking his first examination. On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question, then this is an answer." The students received an "A" on the exam.[/font][font=宋体][size=10] [/size][/font][/b][/size][/align][align=left][font=Times New Roman][size=10][b][size=2]5. [color=#6666ff]A Dollar Per Point[/color][/size][/b][/size][/font][/align][align=left][font=Times New Roman][size=10][b][size=2]A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, thestudents all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point." [/size][/b][/size][/font][b][font=Times New Roman][size=2][size=10]The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.[/size][/size][/font][/b][/align][align=left][size=2][b][font=Times New Roman]6. [color=#6666ff]My Father's Ashes[/color][/font][/b][/size][/align][align=left][size=2][b][font=Times New Roman][size=10]A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it. [/size][/font][size=10][font=Times New Roman]She walks back in. He says: "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray([/font]烟灰缸[font=Times New Roman])." (note: "ashes" has two meanings 1) a container for holding the burned cigarette. 2) a box for holding the burned dead body.) [/font][/size][/b][/size][/align][align=left][size=2][b][font=Times New Roman][size=2]7. [color=#6666ff]I Drop my Weight From Skipping[/color][/size][/font][/b][/size][/align][align=left][size=2][b][font=Times New Roman][size=10]Mr. Smith was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost 5 pounds." When Mr. Smith returned, h[/size][font=宋体][size=10]e had lo[/size][/font][size=10]st nearly 20 pounds. [/size][/font][font=宋体][size=10][font=Times New Roman] [/font][font=Times New Roman]"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" Mr. Smith nodded. "I'll tell you 'though, I thought I was going to drop dead by the end of that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping! (note: "skip" has two meanings 1) jump 2) stop doing something)[/font][/size][/font][/b][/size][/align][size=2][b][font=Times New Roman]8. [color=#6666ff]Now We Run[/color][/font][/b][/size]
[size=2][b][font=Times New Roman]A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. [/font][font=宋体][size=10] [/size][/font][font=Times New Roman]He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!" [/font][/b][/size]
[font=Times New Roman][size=2][b]9.[color=#6666ff] [/color][color=#6666ff]Pig or Witch[/color][/b][/size][/font]
[b][font=Times New Roman][size=2]A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH([/size][/font][size=2]女巫[/size][font=Times New Roman][size=2])!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen.[/size][/font][/b]
[font=Times New Roman][size=2][b]10. [color=#6666ff]Man and Woman[/color][/b][/size][/font]
[size=2][b]S[font=Times New Roman]mart([/font]精明的[font=Times New Roman]) man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb([/font]愚蠢的[font=Times New Roman]) woman = pregnancy([/font]怀孕[font=Times New Roman])
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
[/font][/b][/size][font=Times New Roman][size=2][b]11[color=#0000ff]. [/color][color=#6666ff]You and Your Boss[/color][/b][/size][/font]
[b][font=Times New Roman][size=2]When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot([/size][/font][size=2]蠢货[/size][font=Times New Roman][size=2]).
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative([/size][/font][size=2]创造性[/size][font=Times New Roman][size=2]).

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked([/size][/font][size=2]忽略[/size][font=Times New Roman][size=2]) a rule of etiquette([/size][/font][size=2]礼貌[/size][font=Times New Roman][size=2]), you're being rude.
When your boss skips([/size][/font][size=2]略过[/size][font=Times New Roman][size=2]) a few rules, he's being original([/size][/font][size=2]独创的[/size][font=Times New Roman][size=2]).

When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping([/size][/font][size=2]拍马屁[/size][font=Times New Roman][size=2]).
When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative([/size][/font][size=2]合作[/size][font=Times New Roman][size=2]).

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum([/size][/font][size=2]耍酒疯者[/size][font=Times New Roman][size=2]).
When your boss does the same, he appreciated([/size][/font][size=2]欣赏[/size][font=Times New Roman][size=2]) women.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.

12. [color=#0000ff]Love, Lust and Marriage[/color][/size][/font][/b]
[align=left][b][font=Times New Roman][size=2]LOVE - When intercourse([/size][/font][size=2]性交[/size][font=Times New Roman][size=2]) is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax([/size][/font][size=2]高潮[/size][font=Times New Roman][size=2]).
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - What's a climax?

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE - When nobody else matters.
LUST - When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things to your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.[/size][/font][/b][/align][align=left][font=Times New Roman][size=2][b]13. [color=#0000ff]Before and After You fall in love[/color][/b][/size][/font]

[size=2][b]BEFORE - You take my breath away
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating(窒息)

BEFORE - Twice a night
AFTER - Twice a month

BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative(操纵的) egomaniac(极端自我)

BEFORE - Don't stop
AFTER - Don't start

BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey

BEFORE - It's like I'm living in a dream
AFTER - It's like he lives in a dorm(宿舍)

BEFORE - We agree on everything
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE - I love a woman with curves(皱摺)
AFTER - I never said you were fat

BEFORE - Time stood still
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere

BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you[/b][/size][/align][/hide]

英语笑话幽默

作者:天使爱美丽 阅读次数:6362

作者:天使爱美丽阅读次数:6362